Should You Take Him Back?

The short answer, my totally awesome female friends, is . . . NO.

And yet, why not give your ex a chance, or a second chance, or another in a long series of chances before hitting him over the head with a sign that says: What part of over don’t you understand? or slapping him with a giant sticky note that reminds him: You dumped me for a skank! Have you been tested for venereal disease yet?

Is your wannabe-ex-ex worth the trouble? There are some key points you may want to consider before letting that man (who may or may not have ripped your heart out and served it to you battered and fried) walk back through your door.

1. How was sex with your ex?

Okay, be honest. Did you reach nirvana when you orgasmed? Did you even orgasm? Do you even remember what an orgasm is? Did your ex aim to please, or did he just aim (for whatever orifice was available)? Have you fantasized about the perfect lover? If so, that’s the man who should be walking through your door, not the ex who is your ex for very good reasons.

2. Did he love you for who you are?

If your ex did not see you as the gorgeous, smart, sexy, and totally awesome person you are, then he’s an idiot and not worth your valuable time. Don’t grow old with someone who lusts after Hollywood babes who aren’t real or Photoshopped magazine centerfolds.

3. Did he do things you wanted to do?

Did your ex ever WANT to go shoe shopping with you? Did you have to slog through Sunday football while serving up beer and cheese fries? Or perhaps you had to continually wrack your brain for new ways to say, Wow that’s awesome! while watching him play video games.

4. When you laughed at his jokes, did you get a cramp in your face because he really wasn’t funny?

How much pretending do you want to do? I guarantee on my favorite cat’s life that there are men out there who are on the same page as you. There are men who will tickle your innards and make you laugh, for real.

5. Did he bring you flowers on Valentine’s Day without you threatening to kill him if he didn’t?

This is a no-brainer, girls. Do you really want presents you have to drag out of someone? Or do you want to be lavished upon by a lover who adores you? Don’t be thinking you’re not worthy of such a lover. You are. You are totally awesome.

6. How often did you fantasize about living alone when cleaning the house?

Hark back to every time your ears blew steam when you were cleaning the house. Did your ex share equally in the household chores? Or was he the Renaissance man you should be with because you are so totally awesome?

Girls, isn’t it obvious? If your ex, who wants you back (because you are so totally awesome and don’t forget that!) does not blow your skirt up in every sense of the word, DON’T TAKE HIM BACK.

Wait for that soul mate who sweeps you off your pretty, pedicured feet. In the meantime, get that pedicure!

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