Is he cheating on you? Probably…

arsenicDo you suspect your man is whooping it up with someone else? Of course, men being men, this is a risk we women take whenever we hook up with that half of the species. Caveman prompts just don’t seem to go away. Evolution apparently hasn’t seen fit to discard its fear of propagating the species.

Picture Neanderthal men in a cave village. Now picture the Neanderthal women who bore their children, cooked their meals, picked up after them, and fell into a stupor every night exhausted from working so hard. The men went out with sticks and clubs to kill the wooly mammoth. (Thus was born the male-bonding ritual, which is alive and well today with the men in front of a TV screen watching football while we women serve up beer and hot wings.) When the men killed dinner and brought it back to the cave village, they were done with work. Then, they laid around telling stories of their exploits while being served food. And later, sex.

But that wasn’t enough. The sex part, I mean. The caveman directed his insemination tool toward any cavewoman he saw (and probably some of the cave animals). Everybody was dying all over the place all the time back then, probably because they had no cute little sports cars to get away from danger, or nice-smelling hand sanitizer. Anyway, it was the male’s job to impregnate as many females as possible in order to insure continuation of the cave people species.

By the way, the women did everything else in this little cave village. Everything.

Now, since the caveman’s prompt was to impregnate as many females as possible, it was the cavewoman’s job to pick and choose with haughty disdain which males she would allow to have sex with her. Someone had to make adult decisions!

Things haven’t changed much.

So, back to you and your current partner (which may or may not signify an equal relationship where housecleaning is concerned). Consider the following gut-wrenching questions:

1. Have you seen your man’s eyes light up like Las Vegas winning slot machines at his office Christmas party when talking to that new girl with pole-dancer boobs wearing almost nothing which totally makes you want to throw up because why can’t she wear normal clothes like the rest of us?

2. Is your man making excuses to work late which fries your brain because normally he does as little as possible for his paycheck and bolts out the door at 5:00?

3. Are your man’s nights out with the boys getting more regular and followed by a “Oh honey I think I’ll just pop into the shower before bed” when he comes home?

4. What is your thank-goodness-women-have-it intuition telling you?

It may be time to exercise your right as a female of the species: Turn your nose up with haughty disdain and send your caveman away to prowl around for other receptacles.

Even if you’re wrong and he is not cheating on you, dahling, there is only one answer to your anxiety. Go shopping!

Go shopping, get your hair done, write that book you have been thinking about for years, sign up for a yoga class so you’ll get to wear those cute little yoga outfits. Do something for YOU. Take your attention off your man. There is a reason you suspect your man and whatever that reason is, it’s enough to tell you this: You are spending too much time thinking about the wrong person. The right person to think about is you.

You are a totally awesome, smart (you know you are every time you hear stupid stuff spewing from the mouths of seemingly intelligent people) and gorgeous (no matter what Hollywood may be currently peddling as the latest anorexic actress/model) woman who’s full of really cool ideas and fun to be with. You have the potential to make all your dreams come true.

Your man—cheating or otherwise—isn’t going to make them come true for you (though that has been known to happen randomly once or twice a millennium). Think about that!

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