Stop Aging…Now!

I look goodOkay ladies, admit it. You hate aging. I know I do. And I have a remedy for aging that you are going to LOVE. First, a few legitimate complaints.

Here’s what THEY say about aging, and it’s all bollocks:

• Gray hairs look good on you. (Bollocks!)

• Age doesn’t matter. (Bollocks!)

• You’re as young as you feel. (Well then, I must be 90.)

Thank goodness for technology. It would be horrid to be stuck living and aging in the past. Imagine no hair dye! No makeup! No anti-wrinkle cream! No Photoshop!! It’s unthinkable. If I had lived during the 1800’s, I would have killed myself with a rock and been done with it as soon as the first gray hair showed up. I could have then died while everyone still thought I looked awesome.

I haven’t even mentioned modern-day dentistry. No whiteners! Missing teeth! I think I’m going to throw up just contemplating this.

But, to turn this depressing trajectory around, we DO have beauty products, and plastic surgery (if you don’t mind scalpels, and exposed veins, muscle tissue, and yellow globs of fat) and all kinds of tricks to keep us looking young.

So, why not make our documentation match our looks?

Yes, my totally awesome friends, I am talking about fake IDs! We did it as underage teens, so we could show off our hot new clothes at the bars where all the cool guys hung out. Why not now?

Who says you can’t be 39 if you’re 50? Or 29 if you’re 38. Or 49 if you’re really getting up there. If face cream, dentists, and a good hair stylist can shave years off the way you look, why can’t you shave years off your ID?

Of course, you can’t show a fake driver’s license to a policeperson. But you had better not speed, because if a really cute cop stops you, you will have to produce documentation that exposes your actual birth date.

(I’m thinking about taking this a step further and actually paying some criminal to get me a real fake ID.)

Don’t let society tell you how old you are. Screw the math! I’m telling you, this is your life and you get to say how old you are.

If we all do this, then wouldn’t everything become so confusing no one would know how old anyone was? How cool would that be!

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