The 4-H Club: Hurt, Humiliated, Hostile, & Horny

4HclubIf you have ever been dumped, you know what I’m talking about.

You’re going along just fine, dealing with the ups and downs of your relationship. Maybe more downs than ups. Okay, so you were constantly complaining about the way your man hogged the remote, or farted in bed, or never did the freaking dishes. But he was there. He was yours for better or worse.

And then, he needs some space. He wants to live apart for a while to think (this is new, since you can’t recall the last time he did that). He’s not officially breaking up with you but you know where this is going. What the heck? HE was the one who needed years more of training to be a proper boyfriend (or husband). Now, you’re Hurt.

Then you find evidence of his puppy-love crush on that girl from his office. The one who snaps bubble gum and doesn’t know any words with more than one syllable. You could almost feel sorry for her if she wasn’t pealing your man’s banana. Everyone at his office must know about this sordid affaire. Now, you’re Humiliated.

He denies bopping the girl from his office, of course. You think there might be a chance of getting back together and repairing your status. But one day he delivers the blow: He and Mindy, or Brittney, or Candy, or whatever her cute little name is, are in love. What? When did love come into it? He was supposed to love YOU! Now, you’re Hostile.

It’s been weeks since he left to think, get laid, and fall in love with a substandard human. You’ve been snacking on potato chips, ice cream, and sugar-coated cereal because real food tastes like cardboard. You haven’t had sex in months. Okay, so it’s only been weeks. It feels like months because, now you think about it, you weren’t having any orgasms when you were having sex with your (now) ex. Now, you’re Horny.

So there you have it. You’ve joined the 4-H club. The members are all sulking inside their houses and don’t know each other. They are all on the Divorce Diet, eating comfort foods of a mind-boggling variety. What they, and you, don’t know yet is this:

You’re better off without him.

This is what you do now, my totally awesome, but grieving and miserable, 4-H friends. Resist the urge to hide out and spend your time shoving potato chips in your mouth like a robot one at a time. Go see a girlfriend and cry your eyes out over a bottle of rum. Then, put on your red shoes. Get out. Whoop it up. Go dancing. Buy new clothes. Get your hair done. Schedule a nose job. Have some fat sucked out of your thighs. Do something that makes you feel good to mitigate the utter desolation your drama queen-ness wants to indulge in.

Most importantly, get laid. This is key. He must be cute. He must be sexy. He must be over eighteen (that was a joke my gorgeous girlies, but then again, it really wasn’t actually). The point is, you need sex and you need it fast.

Don’t be going on about how unattractive you are because your ex left you for someone else. You are attractive, remember? Think of a time when you knew it, then, keep remembering it.

This is your life. Don’t waste any more hours wishing you could go backwards. Cry your eyes out, wail and grieve, but look ahead. You can do anything you want now. There is no man to hold you back. If you have kids, hey, no problem. Kids love adventure. Be yourself, be courageous, break out of the “dumped” box, and create the life you want.

The 4-H Club salutes you.

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