Okay girlies, we know what summer means: every fat cell will be exposed. Winter is so much better, when long sleeves, coats, and jeans hide all the imperfections. As there is nothing more unbecoming than sweating, coats and jeans are out until September. Besides, sweating completely wrecks hours of hairstyling.
So what is a girl to do? Buying a one-piece bathing suit with corset construction is a surefire giveaway that you are hiding something. And the one-piece cannot cover up cottage cheese thighs or arm flaps.
I’m the last person to tell you to exercise. We come right back to the sweating thing and how it ruins your hair and makes hair products run down your forehead into your eyes, which makes your mascara run, which makes your eyes red, which makes you look hideous.
Of course, exercising in a cute little yoga class, where you can wear cute little yoga outfits which flair out and cover the bulges, in an air-conditioned room, with a bunch of other women covering up their own fat cells—now that works for me. If I could only make myself get dressed in the cute little yoga outfit and actually go there.
Back to the summer fat cell blues, and what to do about it. The first thing you must do is NOT do any of these things:
- DO NOT look at a Sports Illustrated bathing suit issue. Under any circumstances.
- DO NOT watch reruns of Bay Watch.
- DO NOT look at the emails from Victoria’s Secret featuring girls in bikinis who had to have their parents sign the model-release forms
But it’s okay to do these things:
- Watch old Beach Party movies starring Annette Funicello. These movies date back to a time when actresses looked like real human beings, not super-human babes who work out four hours per day and eat nothing but mustard on a leaf for dinner.
- Get a National Inquirer and see what the celebs look like when they aren’t working out and are caught with bulging fat by Paparazzi using zoom lenses at exotic beaches.
- Go online and find out what the celebs looked like BEFORE plastic surgery.
Now mind you, I have nothing against plastic surgery. I’m saving up for a cute little nose job. I heard somewhere that noses never stop growing, so I’m getting behind that gun.
The thing is, my gorgeous girlies, why focus on fat cells? Sure, we want to suck them out but I have a friend who did that. And she said it hurt so badly she couldn’t stop gritting her teeth for days and had to wear a disgusting body girdle even in the shower or her skin would sag where the fat used to be. Eeeeeyooooo!
Fat is better than sagging skin any day. And think of the old masters. No Renaissance painter worth his salt would have even considered painting an anorexic leaf-eater. Curves were mandatory, and the more the better.
Get your hair done, get a facial, and spend some of your hard-earned cash on your pretty self. Buy a bathing suit that is the right color—not the best cover-up—and flaunt your beautiful curves. Screw Hollywood. Screw Sports Illustrated.
Turn the summer blues around, and make your own rules about female beauty. It’s about time we women took back THAT ball.